Heart Reflection

I have been having a hard time here as of late. So I sent a friend a message speaking of my discouragement. She replied with, “Stop loving these people as a means to an end.” She is very kind hearted this friend of mine. It cut me like a knife. Not a slashing angry scary movie knife but the knife of an expert surgeon. I have loved these people in the hopes that they will get saved and I will get to go home. Selfish, Selfish.

I am not sure I know how to love these people. Jesus spoke truth and served others. The one thing that seemed to happen to Jesus a lot but doesn’t happen to me is that he was often moved by compassion. The things the kids do rarely move me to compassion. Usually I am moved to want to smack them. I clench my jaw a lot here.

Please pray that God will fill my heart with compassion. I must become tenderhearted. I need to fall in love with these people. The process so far has been slow. I need to love with reckless abandonment. The thing is God told me he was gonna do this. With in the first week or so of me being here he gave me a picture of a rolling pin working hard core on a heart. I am praying it will be for the people around me but I can see now it is also for me.

I want to see these people come to know Christ. I want to see the harvest. Part of it is selfish but another part is I am cocky and I fear what happens after I leave. I know God is in control but my heart needs to learn that. It’s hard to let go and say God be in control because if I’m not here clearly nothing could possibly happen. Cocky,cocky. I also feel there is a bit of urgency. This is about souls and eternal placement. It is also frustrating to see these people live trying to fill a void when you have the answer to the riddle.

Well these are just some heart thoughts. I am not fishing for encouragement or justification. I know the only way to gain satisfaction and answers, is to seek the face of God. So if you’ll excuse me I think I will do just that.