What does it mean? I have no idea about most of it. But what I do know is that somewhere in this jungle of letters and numbers is a beautiful arrangement of numbers reading 2300. What doe this mean? It means my plane will be touching down in Jacksonville at 11pm on November the second. Sometimes I wonder if it is wrong to be as excited as I am. Then I think, “Nope!” At dinner tonight we talked about it and I said I couldn’t stay it was too hard.Mistake. It started with the reading of a letter sent by Caitlin to the kids. After they asked if Caitlin knew I was coming home?
“Yes.”
“When did you tell her?” (Princess Peach)
“A little while ago.”
“What did she say?” (Princess Peach)
“You just got there! (Totally melodramatically) I guess Caitlin is just stronger than me. It is just too hard for me here.”
“Yes but you are kicking more harder than her.” (Benny)
“Yes I do kick the soccer ball harder than Caitlin.”
“Caitlin is not very good at sports.” (Princess Peach)
We all laughed and that was the end of it. After dinner Baba asked what was so hard about this place. I went into major back pedal mode. I informed him I was just being melodramatic with the kids. Then he went on to say you’re not even a nanny you are a live in tutor. I eventually talked him down but the conversation made me sad. I am a nanny. I watch the kids, bathe them, play with them, and manage their life. I am sad that he doesn’t realize that. I am sad that he doesn’t realize the lack of time he spends with his own children. When we were in Bodrum I kept track with a stopwatch how much time the children spent with their mother, I called it Operation Mother Goose. By the end the average time for the day was 30 minutes. Here it is slightly higher because some nights they have dinner together. I don’t say any of this to judge, it just breaks my heart that they are oblivious. It would be better if they did it on purpose and I could be angry. Anger is the simplest and easiest emotion. But I can’t jump to that place. I am sad. On the bright side they haven’t found anyone to replace me, so like it or not they will be spending more time with their kids. So even though it is not quite how I expected, God might be answering my prayer to be their last nanny. We shall see. Not my will but yours oh Lord.
So today was a half day for the kids. Princess Peach went to a friend’s house and Benny brought over three friends. So it was a house full of six year old boys. Most people would find that a nightmare but for the most part it was great. After we had ran around for a while we decided to take a break and watch a movie. Power Rangers was the feature film of choice. As I put in the DVD and sat down to watch I had no idea how my life was about to change. But let me tell you within the first five minutes of the fight sequences, lose plots, and mediocre acting I realized I had found my calling. I have decided to become a Power Ranger. What could be better than fighting large costumed men in tight spandex? What job more rewarding than saving the planet every week? If you know of something else please tell me. No but seriously please tell me. I am coming home in less than 6 days and I have no sort of plan.
On Monday I decided to cram in some sight seeing. The problem was I hadn’t been paid in along while so I was forced to get creative. That’s when I remember a History Channel program I had watched about Istanbul. It was a show talking about the ruins buried under the city. One of the major pieces featured was the hippodrome. The hippodrome was the place were the chariots used to race during the Roman period, or back in the day for you who don’t care at all about what I am saying. Well the tourist maps take you to where the track was and three of the monuments that where in the middle of the track still stand. But the TV program showed the back part of the hippodrome known as the sphindome. The hippodrome looks like a sideways U and the shipndome would be the curve. When the track was operational there would have been seating there and underneath was the backstage for the arena. This part I had to see. So I watched the program and picked it apart to find clues about the location of the largest standing piece. Turns out it is holding up a school. Then using the map of where the arena was in relation to the Blue Mosque I made my way down winding alleys and steep streets until out of the metropolis it grew. There it was staring me in the face, a giant brick piece of history. At least a thousand years old and still solid. I felt like a regular Indiana Jones. On the history program they went through a door and went inside but when I went alas the door was locked. There was a window I considered climbing through but to many people were walking up and down the street and I felt like I was to close to the end of this thing to get deported. I laughed and cried. It was a truly magical moment of discovery.
So it finally happened. Benny broke down. I put him to bed and after about five minutes he called me back in. He asked:
“When is Caitlin being done with school how days you have left here?”
“One question at a time please.”
“Okay, when is Caitlin finished with school?”
“Two years I think.”
“How many days before you leave?”
“Well let’s count Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So six days.”
“Do you really want to go to America?”
“Yes”
“Why?”
“Well I miss my family and my friends. What if you could not see your family for a long time wouldn’t you miss them?”
“I don’t know?”
“Of course you would. (Pause) Hey now are those tears for me?”
“Yes.”
“You know how sometimes I say don’t cry and don’t wine?”
“Yes”
“Right now is an okay time to cry.”
(Pause)
“Why do you look like that? Are you sad?”
“Yes. I am sad because you are sad. I don’t want to make you sad.”
“Okay wait a minute I am gonna tell you something.”
(Pulls himself together)
“Go live your life in America”
“Ok but you have to come see me and we can play Roxy, surf, and visit Caitlin.”
“Ok”
“And you know what else. Love is a very wonderful thing because it spans large distances, over mountains and oceans. So when I am gone and you are outside playing and you feel the wind on your face that is me telling you I love you. Ok/”
“Ok”
I went into my room and wept. I know its time to go but that breaks my heart. When I say I am leaving and he acts that way that’s when I feel I have failed. I feel like I am abandoning them. Maybe I am. God is not abandoning them though. That wind I talked about that will blow and kiss his face will be love but not mine. It will be the Fathers all encompassing love. That is where any love I have flows from. I am gonna miss that kid. I am gonna miss them all.
My friend sent me this verse and it has really comforted me recently. “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.For in him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:26-28.
My appointed time here is done. But God is not far from these people and when they reach out they will find him. Then they will find life and freedom.
So for about a week I have been in turmoil about leaving this place. This was not a question of conscience but if whether or not I would be allowed to leave. As I wrote earlier my Patron seemed to be very passive about me leaving. A few days later she said, in front of the kids, that Baba and herself believed I should give it more time. She had made her decision. I was thinking about running away. You see I felt like I was being backed into a corner and when I am backed into a corner I don’t cower I freak out and began to fight like a maniac. I am very wily.Then with the encouragement of everyone I sent in a letter of resignation. I thought that was a stupid idea and that it would offend them even more. It didn’t at all offend anyone. I am coming home and soon. When my Patron and I talked it over she was so civil and actually seemed human. Feelings began to come out. Then after we had discussed everything, because she is still not satisfied with my reasons for leaving I am pretty sure, she asked me what it meant to be born again. I was caught off guard in my brain I had this thought, “Evil step mother for Cinderella said what?”
“Well I believe that is when your spirit comes alive for the first time.”
“Yes but if you are born a Christian why must you be born again? If you have a baby it will be a Christian right?”
“No actually. It is a conscious choice you have to make.”
“But when does it happen? Is it baptism?”
“No, baptism doesn’t really do anything. It is just symbolism.”
Then I shared with her what it means to be born again. I started from the fall of man and worked my way up to Christ. I explained he was the atoning sacrifice so we could be reconciled and have a relationship with God. I explained that being born again is the spiritual birth that takes place inside us when Christ takes up residence inside us. I even talked a little about miracles and gifts of the Spirit. In a nutshell I presented the gospel to her for a second or third time.
“It is a little weird.”
“Yes I agree.”
I feel as of lately the phrase “it is a little weird” has been a reoccurring theme. I walked away from the conversation amazed and comforted. I am about to leave but god doesn’t seem to mind. I might feel like there is a rush but in his plan everything is right on time.
This conversation stayed with me, especially because we talked about her view of missionaries. She believes they are simply out to convert. She brought up the Crusades. I was thankful I was a history major and could dispel some blame from Christians. I put it on the political machine of the Old Catholic and Orthodox Church. So today I gave her the New Testament in Turkish I had found in my room. I explained that when I was in college I had read the Koran to better understand the people of the Islamic religion. You are a scholar and might enjoy looking into this religion.
“You know I haven’t even read the Koran yet.”
Odd response maybe but she took the book and seemed interested in reading it. I told her I would start in John. She had me show her where it was. She said thank you and that she wanted to read all these books one day just to see what its all about. Pray that God will make her curious for that book. The words inside are alive and if she begins to read them they will grip her soul and never let go. They will brand her heart. Isn’t God good? I am so excited to see where this goes. Let’s all pray and see what God will do in a week’s time.
So yesterday was my day off and it was nice. I hung out with the Britt in the morning and walked around an outside market on the Europe side. One of the best things that happened was that we found a giant cat. It was the biggest cat I have ever seen and I am not exaggerating. The shop owner proceeded to pick it up and make it dance. Everyone was laughing. It was great. (On a side note the word exaggerate is spelled so unbelievably stupidly. It took me about 15 minutes to figure it out using a dictionary. I am so mad. I am a college graduate dad gum it!)
[WARNING MOTHERS AND FATHERS YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS NEXT SECTION PLEASE PREPARE YOURSELF]
After hanging out with the Britt I went off to explore on my own as I often do. While in the square outside of the Blue Mosque I was approached by a man who had been hovering. Inside I rolled my eyes prepared to chase of this hooligan. He said:
“I think you are a tourist.”
“No I live here. (That sometimes chases them off.)
“Oh I didn’t know. I saw your camera. You are English?”
“American”
“Can I speak English with you? If you don’t want I can leave and I will go.”
“We can speak.”
“Thank you. Most people chase me away. One man yesterday tried to talk but he was French and his English was no good. So we spoke non good together.”
He was well dressed polite and I was in a very public place. I know I know. He told me he was a police officer and was studying to pass an English test so he could be promoted. He pulled out a pocket dictionary and we walked up and down the square. He took me into the Blue Mosque to show me but it was prayer time. As we left the mosque we began to discuss religion. I said too often people say our religions are the same but I think that is a disservice to our religions. We are very different. He asked if I was a Christian. I asked yes. So we talked about the differences in our religion. He was impressed that I had read the Koran. We talked about the prophets and Christ. We discussed the Godhead three in one. He told me, “It really is very silly.” I laughed, “It is a little strange.” As we strolled I explained that I believed my duty within my religion was to love and care for people. He told me that morals in his country had vanished and he wanted to help restore them to the younger generation. While strolling we saw a cuddling couple and he said, “See what I mean.” I smiled. He told me he was to be married soon. It would be an arranged marriage. He said it was better that way. He had to behave so he would get a good wife. He said everyone makes mistakes but we must try to be good. He was excited when I pulled out my cell and it was a cheap phone like his. So we began to talk about how money corrupts people. He said you save, save and then you die. What good was it?
My favorite part of our time together though was our conversation about the Berka. The Britt calls them the black ninja suites but they are the Muslim full body coverings that only show a woman’s eyes. We passed on and he said:
“What do you think of when you see a woman like that?”
“Well… I think she must be very religious and love god very much. But I wonder in she does it because she is told or because she wants too.”
“I think most do it because they want to.”
“What do you see?”
“I think they’re faces our white.”
I gave him a funny look because it sounded like he believed they hid their faces because they were embarrassed from a lack of sun.
He laughed. “I think their face shines with the light of god.”
I don’t know why it struck me so. I think it is because I see it as such a negative symbol. But this simple man believed that the woman was protecting the glory of god. I still think about that when I see these women. Do they feel like prisoners or do they feel like they are protecting a sacred treasure? Some would say Christians are prisoners. It is because religion is a prison. You could strive your whole life to follow the rules but you will never be perfect. We have the advantage in this area because our religion died with Christ and out of his resurrection was born a relationship. In a relationship you will want to please your father but you are no longer a slave to the law. We are free and freedom is sweet. Praise God for his sweet freedom!
After our two or three hour walk he bought me some street popcorn as a thank you and then saw me to my train and said goodbye. He didn’t ask for a number or offer me his. He didn’t even try to find me on Facebook. He had simply wanted to talk. I felt very much like a disciple at that moment. I sure Peter or maybe Thomas wandered the ulterior motive of every person that approached Christ but in the end though those people were honest with what they wanted/needed. I felt like as we walked we were not two but three. I also believe that as I listened Christ gave him what he wanted/needed even if he didn’t know it.
(As another side note and to totally kill the mood, ulterior is another word spelled in a very stupid way. Who wrote the English language? Who came up with these spellings? Why does my brain hate to spell correctly? The world may never know.)
So one of my friends, Memphis, got deported. She had over stayed her visa by 10 days and on a trip with the family to London they kicked her out. I actually still have her jacket. I am very sad because I liked that one. It is always good to have a friend from Memphis.
I met another nanny from North Carolina at a birthday party yesterday. She doesn’t have any friends and hardly leaves the house. I am gonna bring her to our Thursday nanny support group and teach her to use the bus system.
I was very homesick tonight. It happened as I was outside playing soccer before dinner. Fall is here so it was cool and already dark. It reminded me so much of St. Augustine. Walking around in the middle of the night with the cool salty night air. The breeze is slightly humid but instead of being a bother it feels like a soft kiss on your skin. I just stood there soaking it all in. Benny and his friend Baby Face kept scoring goals because I wasn’t quite home. I wasn’t sad at all, just sentimental. I can’t wait to be back.
At the same time it is weird to be thinking I am going to leave. Especially because my Patron hasn’t told any one I am leaving and seems to believe it is not a done deal. It makes every moment sad in a way. I am finding myself very attached to Benny, Java, Cinderella, and Mother Hen. If another nanny is not found responsibility will be pushed onto them, which is not cool. Benny cuddles and rough houses with me all the time. I am addicted to his laugh. I know he will be upset. Today after bath time when he had finished getting dressed he just hugged me for a few minutes. Just stood there. Then he asked if Caitlin was in school right now. It was a window into the strange world of attachment that he constantly deals with. I just have to believe that even if he doesn’t realize it God is his strong constant. Tonight he sang “The steadfast love” song with me.
On a happier note, last night Benny and I were playing Playstation and it came up that one of my friends wasn’t talking to me at the moment.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“He is your friend?”
“Yes he is.”
“It’s a boy?”
“Yes”
“I will kill him.”
“What?”
“Or maybe I will cut his feet.”
(I am laughing hard)
“We can cut them on the carpet cause it’s soft. Cause then he will be your friend.”
So precious? I laughed and it made me feel warm. I will miss that. I won’t miss the irrational screaming and constant battle of homework. I am just waiting to figure out what I did and that was to act like your homework was done and then do it the morning of on the bus or the class before. If I can make it through the #1 high school in the nation that way I think he can manage the 1st grade that way right? See I don't need to be a nanny I am a bad influence.
